or am i crazy? i cannot balance my emotions. i just cant. i look for solutions, try to keep myself busy, but that just seems to put the problem off for a bit. i just get so damn wrapped up in shit, instantly too. its like i turn around and blam, i cant get shit outta my head. just wont go. i am soo excited i half dont want to let it go....and half im like "hey i gotta work here" settle down brain.
obsessive. seriously. i guess not as bad as some people. is it bad that i use pot to dull it. i can still function for the most part but at least i can settle and focus and then sleep. i dunnow whats worse pot or booze? modereation? should i even have access to either. what about masturbation? hahaha i guess moderation. but what is moderate, what part of my body should i listen to. ill tell you what writing about it almost always helps too. i just dont feel like i have the time. ah wwell, make time huh?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
recent fb post to an old friend
I love Aventures! it started in high school in brazil, with random raves and crazy clubs.
Again my life is a balance of opposites (bi-polarity). I loved that crazy wild jungle-y raves out in the middle of no-where mtns/beachs/ literally jungles with stars and stillness. But then theres the city life, in sao paulo (a city of 20+ million) there are some deep/dark places, serious concrete jungles. the downtown area had concrete mtn's hundreds of feet tall. you could get into some serious city shit, thumping/moving breathing city life. One makes the other better. our usual weekends went: chill at friend house afterschool, go get an awsome meal, chill a bit more, head to a club around 11-12am, party till 5-7am head out to a friends place and meet up, hope in his car (with his driver) and go to the beach for all day sat and chill in the stillness of the no-where beach's of brazil. head back sat night or sunday morning. i havent thought about that for awhile, thats a pretty good description of an ideal mike adventure.
I guess i have to lean towards city lights though, only b/c i couldnt stay in "no-where" forever, but i could in the city. its just a slight edge though.
As for a near home adventure: there's lots of factors (friends coming with? time of year? weather?) i already have several adventures in the works for this summer. usually to go visit friends, i just love hanging with friends in different places, near and far, and i love it even more if i have an easy going travel buddy to introduce to new ppl, it creates a good dynamic, fresh. i love love love hanging with new/different peeps. im kinda addicted in a bad way to digging in and really conversing with just a few people or better just one on one. getting to really know them kinda fast and having them expose themselves, its cleansing and refreshing for everyone. But if i were going not thinking about anyone else but myself: id get a map and find some features i wanted to experience, i like small roads...and random places. it keeps you on your toes. i guess my dad likes to do that too, just thought about that, we were always going to ghost towns and weird out of the way places. i love it. man its kinda liberating to think like that, not worrying about anyone else (at least for planning the location). personally i would like it if my travel buddy didnt tell me where we were going. its all about mindset. im such an over-planner that i really need that.
Wait what about your fears? other than meatloaf hahaha, which i totally agree with. even the name uuugh. and when i try and get that point across no one gets it ahaha funny though. i guess stroganoff would be another on my list, at least being forced to eat it. :P
And these "trip-s" to hawaii, do you do that often? im jealous. blue water is super enticing to me as well. i have a serious affinity for immersing myself, im a big swimmer. lake tahoe at the end of the summer(water is too cold usually before then) can be so amazing, you can pick up rocks and walk around the bottom with your eyes open (very clean and clear). tahoe is high on my "local's" adventure spots, but a little overplayed. i really really really want to go to big sur, ive never been. i used to be (still kinda am) into Kerouac. and those funky beat(nik)s. they remind me of the time in history i would want to live, no not the 60's, more like with native americans. im big into that, also a gift from dad we went to reservations (aka ghost towns) a bunch. i really like that way of life, with and from the land. i would have to go back past the industrial revolution for my happiness, and maybe further. i really like that nomadic lifestyle, but moving with your family you know. season to season.
i have de ja vu very regularly, however remembering the exact dream date is more difficult. i think the one with you on Saturday happend the night after you first contacted me on fb. i have several stored up that im just waiting for though, a few snapshots that i will come across someday.
Now the juicy stuff...love. i have to agree with you on your description of the physical side, which is just the tip (hehehe). you hit the nail on the head with smell's. that is huge. that naked smell of two bodies in bed...oooh, its a serious drug. good god the smell. and then you move past that to the touch... im sure your well aware. very passionate, synchronized and powerful. you just lose yourself in the experience of the other person. but then theres the "wake up the next day" side of it all. you cant stay in bed forever...ive tried. thats what im really trying to work on in my life now. I have that fucked up sensual side down pretty good, of course you can always learn more (which is a theme throughout my life; u never know it all so stop trying. i love to learn). but i feel pretty confident naked, more so than with clothes on, in fact most of the time. so i need to learn how to "continually" enjoy people and not flit around so much. i've only had a few relationships where this side went well. and thats really important to me now, b/c its everything really...when i look at any successful relationship thats a big part of the puzzle. i do love being young and dirty though...but its so fun to wake up that next day and have great things to look forward to together. things like free moonlight tours of the muir cabin starting next month. and travelling art (oxymoron). and biology museums and beach's and adventure.
no im not part of the mile high club, unless thats a count of all the continents ive been to. it was a 10 hour trip back from france two summer's ago (visiting a friend from high school, we should go he is fucking badass artsy/dj dude whos lived all over the world, i love that guy), me and this girl just happened to sit next to each other, we had our own little double row, and we just picked each others brains for the whole trip. sharing our journals and whatnot was awesome. no one here has really seen mine. i have several going back to elementary school. but only two t-shirts left over from elementary school (D.A.R.E. and a Dewing park seahorses, now they are super chic go figure)
Where would you go in a 200 mile radius? what season is you favorite? are you part of the mile high club? whats the longest serious relationship you've had? anything good and recent? do you find it harder to work that (longer term boys) into your life with work and friends? what do you do for exersize? do you have any favorite sports for playing or watching? man i wish i was able to lie around with you on sunday instead of being woken up at 8:30 and having to go hang out with friends. a big screen in your room huh? does it get overwhelming? i always blow my loot on toys, usually in the shape of a board or clothes...
i would love to go to New Orleans, its sad how much its gone through recently, and now with the oil :(
sorry its a long one, i posted about how productive ive been today....i was even taking some traffic school online while i wrote this...
...thai curry mmmm
Again my life is a balance of opposites (bi-polarity). I loved that crazy wild jungle-y raves out in the middle of no-where mtns/beachs/ literally jungles with stars and stillness. But then theres the city life, in sao paulo (a city of 20+ million) there are some deep/dark places, serious concrete jungles. the downtown area had concrete mtn's hundreds of feet tall. you could get into some serious city shit, thumping/moving breathing city life. One makes the other better. our usual weekends went: chill at friend house afterschool, go get an awsome meal, chill a bit more, head to a club around 11-12am, party till 5-7am head out to a friends place and meet up, hope in his car (with his driver) and go to the beach for all day sat and chill in the stillness of the no-where beach's of brazil. head back sat night or sunday morning. i havent thought about that for awhile, thats a pretty good description of an ideal mike adventure.
I guess i have to lean towards city lights though, only b/c i couldnt stay in "no-where" forever, but i could in the city. its just a slight edge though.
As for a near home adventure: there's lots of factors (friends coming with? time of year? weather?) i already have several adventures in the works for this summer. usually to go visit friends, i just love hanging with friends in different places, near and far, and i love it even more if i have an easy going travel buddy to introduce to new ppl, it creates a good dynamic, fresh. i love love love hanging with new/different peeps. im kinda addicted in a bad way to digging in and really conversing with just a few people or better just one on one. getting to really know them kinda fast and having them expose themselves, its cleansing and refreshing for everyone. But if i were going not thinking about anyone else but myself: id get a map and find some features i wanted to experience, i like small roads...and random places. it keeps you on your toes. i guess my dad likes to do that too, just thought about that, we were always going to ghost towns and weird out of the way places. i love it. man its kinda liberating to think like that, not worrying about anyone else (at least for planning the location). personally i would like it if my travel buddy didnt tell me where we were going. its all about mindset. im such an over-planner that i really need that.
Wait what about your fears? other than meatloaf hahaha, which i totally agree with. even the name uuugh. and when i try and get that point across no one gets it ahaha funny though. i guess stroganoff would be another on my list, at least being forced to eat it. :P
And these "trip-s" to hawaii, do you do that often? im jealous. blue water is super enticing to me as well. i have a serious affinity for immersing myself, im a big swimmer. lake tahoe at the end of the summer(water is too cold usually before then) can be so amazing, you can pick up rocks and walk around the bottom with your eyes open (very clean and clear). tahoe is high on my "local's" adventure spots, but a little overplayed. i really really really want to go to big sur, ive never been. i used to be (still kinda am) into Kerouac. and those funky beat(nik)s. they remind me of the time in history i would want to live, no not the 60's, more like with native americans. im big into that, also a gift from dad we went to reservations (aka ghost towns) a bunch. i really like that way of life, with and from the land. i would have to go back past the industrial revolution for my happiness, and maybe further. i really like that nomadic lifestyle, but moving with your family you know. season to season.
i have de ja vu very regularly, however remembering the exact dream date is more difficult. i think the one with you on Saturday happend the night after you first contacted me on fb. i have several stored up that im just waiting for though, a few snapshots that i will come across someday.
Now the juicy stuff...love. i have to agree with you on your description of the physical side, which is just the tip (hehehe). you hit the nail on the head with smell's. that is huge. that naked smell of two bodies in bed...oooh, its a serious drug. good god the smell. and then you move past that to the touch... im sure your well aware. very passionate, synchronized and powerful. you just lose yourself in the experience of the other person. but then theres the "wake up the next day" side of it all. you cant stay in bed forever...ive tried. thats what im really trying to work on in my life now. I have that fucked up sensual side down pretty good, of course you can always learn more (which is a theme throughout my life; u never know it all so stop trying. i love to learn). but i feel pretty confident naked, more so than with clothes on, in fact most of the time. so i need to learn how to "continually" enjoy people and not flit around so much. i've only had a few relationships where this side went well. and thats really important to me now, b/c its everything really...when i look at any successful relationship thats a big part of the puzzle. i do love being young and dirty though...but its so fun to wake up that next day and have great things to look forward to together. things like free moonlight tours of the muir cabin starting next month. and travelling art (oxymoron). and biology museums and beach's and adventure.
no im not part of the mile high club, unless thats a count of all the continents ive been to. it was a 10 hour trip back from france two summer's ago (visiting a friend from high school, we should go he is fucking badass artsy/dj dude whos lived all over the world, i love that guy), me and this girl just happened to sit next to each other, we had our own little double row, and we just picked each others brains for the whole trip. sharing our journals and whatnot was awesome. no one here has really seen mine. i have several going back to elementary school. but only two t-shirts left over from elementary school (D.A.R.E. and a Dewing park seahorses, now they are super chic go figure)
Where would you go in a 200 mile radius? what season is you favorite? are you part of the mile high club? whats the longest serious relationship you've had? anything good and recent? do you find it harder to work that (longer term boys) into your life with work and friends? what do you do for exersize? do you have any favorite sports for playing or watching? man i wish i was able to lie around with you on sunday instead of being woken up at 8:30 and having to go hang out with friends. a big screen in your room huh? does it get overwhelming? i always blow my loot on toys, usually in the shape of a board or clothes...
i would love to go to New Orleans, its sad how much its gone through recently, and now with the oil :(
sorry its a long one, i posted about how productive ive been today....i was even taking some traffic school online while i wrote this...
...thai curry mmmm
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
dying
im freakin dying here. i feel like my mind is going to implode i cannot relax i cannot calm my nerves, every attempt seems to further fray them.
my work is spying on my facebook? and not telling me until its to their advantage fucking shit man fuck off. take care of it or dont bring it up fuck.
i love my boss and the work we do, but i cannot stand pretty much everyone else in the organization. is it weird that they are all woman? i dont think so.
its a testosterone vacuum in there i can't take it anymore.
my bosses wife is checking up on me all the time, fussing around and making sure im working? jesus whats next fucking shit, its not i like i havent been working for you the past 3 years. wtf
be straitforward with your shit goddamn. dont be passive aggressive get it out there fast and talk about it. dont let it simmer.
i like my work, but its like since i've used some of my sick time im the fucking devil. fuck that i still have more than a weeks worht of sick time, if i shouldnt use it dont fucking give it to me. i work with snot nosed shit eaters all day and im supposed to never get sick? why am i disproportionally taking mroe sick days, 5 times more than everyone else? that seems nuts. ill tell you one thing i need a fucking break. im so glad imgoing to be gone when the shit storm his in august godamn. its fucking nuts the way this shit runs.
if you want me to have more billable hours then schedule me more, it makes me fell like shit. am i supposed to go out and recruit families huh? if so maybe that should be my job instead of working with kids, fuck.
Monday, July 20, 2009
im falling apart
im braking down and i think i know it but...really i dont know the full extent so im a little worried. I cant sleep well, cant eat well, cant study enough, cant work enuff i guess...they will just work me until i fucking drop. and i did, dropped hard and could barely get back up to see an old friend.
but man was it good to see them, tom arsenault n taylor mathis. good buds and it was just like old times, instantly. such a weird feeling, i hadn't seen tom in like 8 years and it was like nothing to chill with him again. and the conversations were so good, for some reason that experience in Brazil brought us so close together. even when we only knew each other for less than a year, that year is just so pivotal and stands out. i wish i'd gotten over to the pool party that would have been nice to see dudy and the girls and relax, but man i got homework done so i have to be happy cause that would have sucked to have to still do all that. but man i would have liked to see that dudy for sure. any girl attention right about now is so desperatly wanted that i can make it work whoever it is. but really not with anyone i do think dudy has something that im interested in, i just wish she wasnt so self destructive sometimes. its hard to watch, and i would like to help but i havent found a good way to. oh well its going to be weird w her anyhow just take it easy and take care of everyone. more later back to effin work.
but man was it good to see them, tom arsenault n taylor mathis. good buds and it was just like old times, instantly. such a weird feeling, i hadn't seen tom in like 8 years and it was like nothing to chill with him again. and the conversations were so good, for some reason that experience in Brazil brought us so close together. even when we only knew each other for less than a year, that year is just so pivotal and stands out. i wish i'd gotten over to the pool party that would have been nice to see dudy and the girls and relax, but man i got homework done so i have to be happy cause that would have sucked to have to still do all that. but man i would have liked to see that dudy for sure. any girl attention right about now is so desperatly wanted that i can make it work whoever it is. but really not with anyone i do think dudy has something that im interested in, i just wish she wasnt so self destructive sometimes. its hard to watch, and i would like to help but i havent found a good way to. oh well its going to be weird w her anyhow just take it easy and take care of everyone. more later back to effin work.
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